Sometimes, these memories are sparks of imprinted moments of a history you aren’t always aware of. To believe this I believe you need to explore the possibility of reincarnation or entertain the idea that we are all very multi layered beings, and that there is something beyond what we see in the mirror. I am one who believes such things.
I have memories, as fragmented as they, are of a beautiful boy who shared part of my life with me. A boy who has once again been revealed to me, and reintroduced to my life. He too is many layered and at times, seems complex and untouchable. On the other hand, he’s soft, gentle and open. Our lives have crossed paths and crossed again... weaving in and out of the others existence. Or so I believe. With every bit of my being I believe this to be true.
But what of the entity that is who they come to me through? What if he does not feel the truth of it? Would he not remember such things? Do my feelings, my memories, deceive me? Perhaps I am so sure because the similarities leave little room for doubt. However, doubt can still be found. I believe personally that to deny what seems so true is to dishonor that love, that memory and that person or those people.
If he is wrong, and it truly is what I believe, does that mean that he had or has lost some control of his memories? Could it be that perhaps he is just afraid to look and discover that they are indeed honest and true experiences, and if so, why would he be? Is there something about that connection that makes him afraid on some level?
And then, what if I am wrong? What if these memories have led me down a path and through a door that is meant for me, but the memories are of a time and place similar but independent of where I am. How do I make sense of that? Will they understand when at first I loved them under a false sense of familiarity? My love for them now either way is very real, and regardless of where it originated from, it now exists, and my affection for them, and indeed him, is unwavering.
It is said, by those closest to me, that I am to learn to trust myself. I trust this connection, this realization… more than most anything I have ever trusted in my life. Yet, even in this, those same people tell me that I should NOT trust this... or insist that this is truth, for I have no proof, only feelings and speculations.
To them I ask how am I to learn to trust my feeling when even you say I should not with your second breath. You, my greatest source of encouragement, my dearest means of support, contradict the very path you encourage me to walk by telling me I should not trust the path. How can it be both ways?
I made a promise that I would trust them above all else but me with my very soul. And I will, with no hesitation, keep that promise, but they must understand that my heart cannot dismiss what it feels to be true. If I am wrong in the end, then it is I alone who will suffer. I cannot sit by and casually dismiss my heart or the feeling that this is right and true. I will not dishonor myself. I will not dishonor them. I will not dishonor you with such a callous and unthinking act. And though it will kill me to continue without blessing, this is my first step in learning to trust myself, and it is a step I am making with love, courage and certainty.
- Mood:
contemplative
I have a particular draw to longhorn cattle, Monster Trucks, and Bull Riding...
I am the birth mother of three, Goddess Mother of 9, and i love them all.
My very best friend and light of my world is Gay and I am very proud of him and our relationship. I could have never asked for a better person to be there fore me. I respectfully ask that you keep all derogatory references about that lifestyle to people who will be a bit more understanding. You'll find no company here for ill mannered comments or jokes.
Our best friend is an amazing woman whether she sees it or not. I love her and am thankful for her everyday. I am grateful that spirit brought us together because my life without her now would just be missing something vital.
I have an extreme intolerance to intolerance :) That is just the easiest way to explain it. I care very deeply for people, and do my best to always be kind and generous. In this day and age, I think we really need that. I am ever the optimist *or try to be* and hope one day that we can, as Coca-Cola once preached every Christmas, teach the world to sing, together, in perfect harmony! ^__^ That will be an amazing day won't it? When we no longer see color and gender and religion, but see that we are all indeed the same inside.. all a part of this amazing tribe of Man? :)
I am not a religious woman, but I am very spiritual and live my life based on my own faith.
I have a garden. Mostly in pots, but it's precious to me as any other one is.
I am an environmentalist and signer of petitions to save the animals, whether land, sea or air. I do not under any circumstances agree with things like canned hunts, or animal culling.
Care for our mother Gaea I say. She's the only place we have to live you know? I love the ocean. I don't think I could ever live too far away from it. My life without it close is just empty. It is my favorite place to be.
I'm a total dork when it comes to dancing and singing. I don't sing really, other than loudly and off key, but I enjoy myself when do.
Kissing is nice.
I don't like horror movies at all...
I am learning how to speak Português, because next summer I am going to go spend a month with my aforementioned best friends in the Algarve in Portugal. I may even move there if things go well. I've never been farther off the west coast than Idaho. I think it is going to be one hell of an adventure!
I do art. I'm not like super at it, but I have a fan following of my written work especially. I have a page on an art site. I am totally 'adorkable' according to those who love me best.
I've met a few people lately who inspire me in addition to my best friends.
Michelle, who is an amazing artist and has a lot of amazing insight has helped me learn to see passed some issues of faith that always seemed to hold me back. Kept me feeling like an outsider even among those who shared my feelings. I am learning I am not alone in he herd it would seem, and that being outside the box sometimes is much more satisfying than being inside the safety of it's walls. She is intuitive, warm and kind. Playful and open, she has made me laugh, ponder, think, question and love a little more than I did before.
Wolf of Samhain...Wolf.. such an amazing man...I don't know that I would call him anything else if I knew his name, though I would like to know what it is anyway ^_^... he is just..amazing. He has helped me find strength to face things I did not know I could. He has put a smile on my face with his kindness, his generosity, and his free gift of love and acceptance. He has never judged me, never been harsh, and somehow, he always knows just what to say, even to my unspoken questions. I respect his work with the wolves, and I respect him as a person. I even think it's cute how he flirts, just a little.. :)
It's been 7 months since my break up. After 14 years with someone, I am not really looking for a relationship. Right now, I am learning how to get to know me again. I hope people can respect all that, and that we can be friends. As the song says, I do all this so the world will know that it will not change me. I am who I am, and if you don't like it, I can't change you. But I also don't have to have you in my life.
Be Blessed Ya'll~
- Mood:
calm
I love.. I love with all I have. But lately I have started to believe that my heart is indeed faulty, for I seem to love deeply those who are unable to love me as I seem to love them. Do I want a million people to be 'in love' with me? Goodness no. But I would like for someone to want to just take me and hold me.. and accept me for who I am. Not who they think I am, or who they wish I could be. I wish someone could just see who I am inside.. I'm so tired of being invisible....
Visiting with a friend a few days ago, I was reminded of a camping trip we took so many years ago. We were sitting, he and I, in the moonlight around the campfire. He had been looking into my eyes and then suddenly he smiled and took my hand and said will you sing with me? I didn't know what he meant until we walked a little and then he began to howl..yup.. howl. It was strange. I felt silly and at the same time, he looked so happy that his smile became infectious and I wanted to sing with him. He stopped and smiled and said they will answer.. come on..
And so I smiled and raised my timid song, feeling silly but feeling a happiness to make him smile. And then.. I heard the wolves, singing with such clarity. I have felt few sensations as powerful as that one. And one I will not soon forget.
But as time went on, the people around me said it was a silly thing to do. What human could sing with wolves? I needed to remember my place. These same people also told me that I should stop living in the clouds... and be more real. Can I be real in todays time and believe in Faeries?
I have wondered if I can separate myself my that wild fey side I know I have inside. Would that make me more acceptable to people? Might I fit in better? Do I want to fit in??
I've had so many dreams.... I've all but let them go. Stopped believing altogether that dreams are good for me. Thanks to André, and Sonia.. among a few others, I am daring to dream just a little bit, but those dreams are nothing compared to what I used to believe. I think I play it safe because that way... I never have to worry too much. If what I want doesn't come true, then I won't have far to fall right?
How do I let go, and still hold on to who I am? Or better yet.. how do I find myself without losing myself entirely? I don't know.. and somedays, I don't know how I even find the energy to go on...
- Mood:
melancholy
And I think that's alright..
See, I have help this time. I'm sure I had it here at home too.. so I don't want to take anything away from them. This is just a different feeling.. and it feels.. amazing...
When crying one night.. unsure, scared and freakin' the hell out.. I told André I didn't know how to let things just go.. I wanted to but didn't know how.. and you know what he said? That is was okay.. he didn't know either.. but we would try to find the way together.. you know what.. no one says that.. everyone says I'll be here with you.. you'll find those answers.. YOU will find them.. not.. WE would.. Sure they say that they mean it.. and with most, I believe that they do.. but he actually just came out and said it.. And I have never felt more supported in one moment..
I talk about him.. think about him.. always. Does it matter to anyone? I'm addicted to him.. I don't care what anyone thinks really but him.. and if he's uncomfortable then I will try to fix it.. somehow though.. I don't think he is. Not really. I live my life as I always did.. probably not the healthiest life because I can't get up and do much.. but I still live some.. my life isn't sitting here being obsessed about what he's doing or where he is... in spite of what some people might think. But then, in some ways I honestly don't know that I care what they think as I said.. :)
My mind is constantly reeling.. so many things in there going on...
Mismatched angels wings, bright darkness, hybrid Angels, green eyed boys with sweet kisses, lavender, naked pixies and full moon dances around silver watered lakes...
and a very sudden realization that a wish I had did come true. It may not be in a way that most people would want it.. but I know beyond doubt now t that I do share something very special with André. Something that is, in fact, his and mine alone. Not with Gravihk.. not with Levi.. but with André the flesh and blood man...
And though part of me wants to know why and how and what makes me so special... for once.. my love and respect for him means more than the answers to those questions..
- Mood: contemplative
I wonder often why I let little things bother me. Why do I care if the anonymous man cares about me? He finds me attractive. I can turn him on easily. What more do I expect? Nothing really… then why do I care when he doesn’t want to give me anything? I got NO effin clue... Should I? Likely not... at this point I have to just look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck you know? Sometimes I feel really clueless. Others I just want to scream.
Like tonight.
I realized while talking to a friend today that sometimes, because of my problems physically, I feel like a total useless lump. Not always mind you. I think I have some purpose here… some days. But I’m just not sure what it is most of the time…
Am I here to suffer some fate? Did I do something wrong in a former life and get sent to this place to learn a lesson? Is all the stuff I have endured in my life for some ultimate ability to connect to others so that they don’t feel alone like I always did in my youth? I just don’t get it… and I ‘m not so sure I am supposed to.
Also it hurts me that my family doesn’t check on me after my accident. They never check on me so I shouldn’t be so shocked. But it hurts. My own best friend has called me twice. André checks on my EVERY DAY... everyday.. *sigh* I’m glad I have him.. usually I completely dread winter.. this year.. I’m not so scared. I feel like I have someone that really won’t give up on me. It’s nice to feel so completely supported by someone. I hope he realized how special he is.. and how I will probably thank him for the rest of my life for all he has given me to this day.
Friends still think I won’t come home if I go to
My heart hurts to think that I would be that to them one day, when really all I want to do is be close to them so they could see how much they make me happy.. *sigh*
- Mood:
cold
So a few days ago, I was in an accident. The car I was riding in was hit by a truck. There wasn’t any damage like you see in movies. The car is pretty banged up and well, I’m hypertensive and have a lot of muscle strain and some internal bruising of some areas. My damage is more mental, and emotional. My nerves are shot. Not that they were that good to start with but you know how it is. My son says just to suck it up and move on. I’ve never been in an accident before. I’m not sure how to do that. I count myself lucky that I wasn’t hurt worse though for sure.
Yesterday, I had a panic attack when I realized that to get to the doctor I had to actually get IN the car. I cried, hysterically for a long time... and then like usual, my angel came to my rescue. He does that a lot… in fact; he is probably responsible for so many of my smiles… I realized that while lying in the rain that afternoon while they were taping me to that bright yellow board. I thought of a lot of things that day. It’s amazing how many things can cross your mind in so little time when you have nothing else to do but hurt.
I wondered to myself if my family knew that I loved them. Regardless of what else I am going through. They mean so much to me. I hope that they always remember this.
I wondered if people knew how much I need to find myself, and how much it hurts to think that in doing so, people assume my changes will be permanent and if they realize that it hurts that they don’t support me. I know they don’t always understand how I feel or that I cannot tell them in good words. I just wish that they would try to understand and support me however they can. I will do this alone if I must, but it would be nice to have a buddy along the way you know?
My best friend in the world I think is still hoping for something that I just can’t give him. I know how David feels now, because my best friend, and another friend as well, are like family too me. Like brothers in a way… While I’m not saying that something may not, or could not ever physically happen, relationships of any sexual type for any length would seem to be awkward for me. I care for them so much, but just not how they wish me too...
And yet… to flip that coin I do have some insane attachment to a fella that I shouldn’t… well in a way that isn’t good I’m guessing. He doesn’t think of me much except in a purely lustful manner, and while we are friends aside from that, I find myself drawn to him like Pandora to her box. He holds me at arms length most of the time. He pushes me away while he begs me to stay close. He says he doesn’t feel for me, but in his very words will show that I am much more than ‘just a friend’ to him. I know he says he doesn’t understand why he feels that way… and I accept his answers. But some part of me says he’s afraid to admit to any feeling other than the ones he has firm control over. I guess I should just try harder to let it be whatever it is. And I might be able to do that, if only I understood what it was. Is it a matter of self respect? Is it a matter of finally being seen? I don’t know and I’m not sure I want to... all I know is that sometimes, just for a small time I feel alive in a way I haven’t for so so long. And while that scares me, I crave it.. and well since he’s never seen more than my face, I like to pretend that I am the person I want to be, and not who I am.. at least physically. I don’t know if it would make too much of a difference anyway, though sometimes I think that if he did see me, it would stop. Even while I say it I hear him saying it’s not true… but we all know how I feel about myself…which brings me to something else in my life.
Rell. She’s such a sweetheart. She feels like a sister who’s moved away. Someone I miss very much, and feel I need to just get together with and cry and laugh and share with. I can’t do that with my own sisters, and yet, somehow I know that she would be there for me as a true sister would. It pains me at times that we are so far away from each other. Hurts that we cannot just gossip like sisters do over baileys and chocolate. She and I are so much alike it would seem. Psychic Sisters in a way… and we share so many things in common. I hope that one day she understands how much she means to me already, and we’ve only just become friends. I love you Bela… you are in my thoughts always. Anything you need I will do what I can for you... Even if only in thought…
Then, my heart… is attached... to someone…Grav… who… is…amazing. I can’t begin to even put words to it. When I felt my life was at an end... when my sadness was so dark that I was sure I would give in to it, there he was. The way he makes me feel goes beyond love, or passion or romance. I don’t think I could put into any real words what I feel inside. He seems to know what I need, when I need it. He can hear me cry across the miles. How? I don’t understand. I don’t know that I want to. And I feel guilty, for he has his special someone. And he believes it to be the one and perfect one for him. Not that I would want to have his attentions all for me. No... I don’t think I could ever keep him from anyone. It would seem so selfish of me. Now I’m not saying that I wouldn’t hold him and love him with every tiny piece of my soul if he but asked. I would give him the world if it were within my power to do so. I would always see that perfect smile upon his lips and the hint of mischief in his eyes. Always. I like to think sometimes when we are talking, and he gets this curious smile on his face, that it’s because we share something special. Some special something that is his and mine alone. That somehow, *I* make him feel good in a way that no one else does. Part of me thinks that’s wrong, that I have no right to feel that way. But I do. We were talking once and I started to cry… and he made this face… I swear I could hear his heart breaking. I don’t ever want to see that again. It was like all the color had been taken out of the world. He spends so much time trying to make sure that I always have a smile on my face. Sometimes I think he really does think me beautiful. And sometimes… I think I might even feel it too… Not always but sometimes, he looks at me in just this way… I can’t explain it. It’s like the day at the beach, when I heard him next to me. He is so familiar. I can just sit and watch him work. The looks on his face… I can’t even explain it. And he says to me that it’s all natural feelings. I’ve not known anyone to think my feelings were natural. Not ever. I always tell him he’s my doce anjo. I learned those words just so I could have something pretty to call him. :) They may not seem pretty to him being common words… but to me, they are. And they still don’t seem to do him justice. I just don’t think anyone... except for maybe Rell, will ever truly understand the power he has over me. He’s magickal. And I am under his wonderful spell…
Now… I had begun this journal last night while heavily medicated, and I wasn’t sure I should post something as this. But I was asked to do so.. I hope that he isn’t disappointed in having me redo it. I hope that he understands now my second guessing putting this up.. and that it is somewhat edited since I am not under the influence of my pain medication. And I hope beyond hope that it does no damage to our friendship. At some point this evening.. I will be looking at him through that webcam, and he will give me those looks... those curious curious looks. And I will blush and have a hard time looking at him while he somehow reads my very heart. I wanted to hide myself from him once.. Now I know that I could not possibly do so. He would find me…
And I am glad he won’t give up on me that easily.
- Mood:
anxious
I wrote this in a moment of sadness.. I hope you enjoy...
I know now that even a cold blade digging into my wrist could not hurt me as much as that single word that day. The day he said goodbye…
The day was bright and the conversation pleasant. My heart soared at his presence and I threw my arms happily around his neck. I kissed him softly and playfully, smiling as he nuzzled me softly and returned my affection. At once I felt the pain in his kiss as he pulled away and told me we must say goodbye.
My heart sank as I pleaded with him. I searched for answers in his eyes, though he could not look at me. For words that would not, could not, come to his lips. Did I not care enough? Did I fail him?
He smiled sadly, fear, confusion pouring forth from him. Did he not know that love comes in many forms? Could he not see that I only wanted happiness for him? I hope for nothing more than to make him smile.
I turned from him as my tears came, liquid pieces of my shattering heart, falling down a face that was numb. He pulled me close and held me, whispering soft. Do not cry darling, Please, I cannot stand your tears. Kissing me softly I could only cry more as with each second I could feel my heart slipping away into oblivion.
And though the words should comfort me, my heart shattered completely for thought he says he cannot love me, in his final words there was such love as I had ever known, crushing my already fractured heart into a million fragments.
His eyes shed no tears. His smile dark as he tried to be strong, for whom I did not know. Did he know I thought he did not care? Wondered if he hurt, or felt, or if my tears mattered to him? He held my face in his hands and whispered softly words I did not want to hear. He kissed me one last time, tenderly, deeply. And as I cried, he held me tightly and whispered goodbye into my ear, kissed my cheek, and turned and walked away…
- Mood:
sad
So I got to thinking and worrying the other day after a comment a friend made. We were having a conversation about having people know you for you with all your faults, as opposed to who you want them to know.
If you get hurt a lot, do you hide yourself from the world, or do you go out, fists first, and protect yourself by driving everyone away?
Do you share of yourself openly, or do you share only what you think people will find acceptable?
When making new friends and acquaintances, do you adapt to them, or do you just hope they accept you for you?
When people have been friends, then suddenly stop talking to you when they find out something random about you, do you write it off, or do you wonder if you should be open with the next one?
My brain just won't ever shut off.. no matter what I do. :) I worry over worrying. I worry that people read these little ramblings and think I am fishing for something, or looking for sympathy for my plights or something...
In truth, I enjoy doing journals and blogging, I enjoy human interactions, and I just want some reassurance occasionally that I am not alone here.. :D
You know how it is.. I hope! ^^
Well lately I have been seeing lots of articles, comments, journals, etc about things that people have to deal with, and how hard it is for them. It makes me wonder sometimes how people are able to make it from day to day without going into total burnout.
There is this song I think is really beautiful, though sad, which deals with the suicide of a young man, just barely out of high school. The song is full of questions and it makes one think:
How do you get that lonely? How do you get that bad? To make you make the call, that having no life at all, is better than the life that you had? How do you feel so empty, you wanna let it all go? How do you get that lonely, and no one know?
I was thinking about that and came to realize that it is easier than you would think. I know it's easy to feel alone even in a crowd of people. I thought about some of the friends I have and some of the troubles they face, and some of the choices that make them feel empty, alone, scared....
The guy who's homophobic best friend doesn't know that he's gay.
The girl who must tell her mother she wants to be a boy.
*Amber* who is confronted with losing someone she's starting to care deeply for because it's easier than admitting that her name used to be*Josh*
The boy who loses the love of his life, according to her, just because.
The girl who gets rejected by her boyfriend when he finds out about the baby.
The friend who is rejected because of their choice of faith, clothing, or lifestyle.
Sometimes our differences are the very things that make us happy. And they can be the very things that make us feel so alone...
Being who you are is tough. Being honest is tougher. Being rejected for who or what you are is horrible...
I'm done.. I was just feeling a little sad.. and almost angry that people are hurt for being who they are. It's not right...and my heart hurts for my friends who suffer these things and more..
I :heart: them all...
Be Blessed and Be Well Darlings.. each and every one of you...
And thank you to those who have welcomed me, flaws and all.. *huggles*
- Mood: melancholy
But at least there’s pretty lights, right?
I was watching video’s the other day to make myself feel better, which I will explain why I was all bent out of shape in a few, but then I had to just smile.. I ADORE this song. Then, and now. I miss so many things from my child hood, this is just one more of them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lcu7OCIql
One other thing I must say. Thank you Norway for giving us A-Ha…
What ever happened to making a right good video? I mean, look at this. pure genius if you ask me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMWXyEHoN
Though I guess I don’t really know anything about making a video, I can tell you that you used to be able to sell a mainstream album without naked (or mostly naked) girls all over the videos. Sure the dresses were a bit tight, but everyone wore them really. How many girls do you see walking about town wearing a dress so short it shows her knickers? Come on now.. at least not where I live. SURE, they are short and I sometimes wonder HOW they call those little denim things I see on the racks skirts, but once on they look longer somehow..
Okay, well, on to something else. (clears throat) Ahem… (taps microphone)
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am an environmentalist. Yes, I said it.. the “e” word. That doesn’t mean I am going to go attack you or anything.. but it does mean that I am going to sign petitions, do virtual walks, and send emails about saving the whales and so forth. Those things mean something to me. People apparently think though that this means I am a second class citizen. I am one of those ‘crazies’. I repeatedly get those damnable emails about how “we are going to drill for oil in Alaska and if you don’t like it find a country from list A or B and get the hell out”. Wow…I somehow thought that since I was born here, I had the right to not like something, but still live here. No?? Well hell.. now what? I don’t care what anyone says, I DON’T agree with drilling for oil in Alaska, and I don’t have to. Why do people have to be so crazy?? Gah… Can’t we all just get along?? Nice try I know, but I guess some people just don’t want to…
Thanks for listening ya’ll….
/end rant
Oh wait.. one last thing.. For all those time you’ve helped me out.. for all those who stood by me no matter what, and for all those who just plain need a good uplifting ballad.. I salute you..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91euxMQ0Z
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.
Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Hold On. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So hold on.
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)
- Mood: melancholy
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ichbinaiyuHere are my lyrics peoples!
1. What have I got to do to make you love me/What have I got to do to make you care/What do I do when lightning strikes me/
And I wake to find that you're not there
2 Sometimes I feel like I need to shake myself/To wake myselfI feel like I'm just sleep walkin through my life
3. Boy you know you make me float/Boy you really get me high/I feel like I’m on dope/Cause you, You serve me on a regular
4.Dealing out the agony within/charging hard and no one's gonna give in/Living on your knees, conformity/or dying on your feet for honesty
5. Well you done done me and you bet I felt it/I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted/I fell right through the cracks/
and now I'm trying to get back
6. Friday, payday, Lordy gotta get away/Had it with the wife thing, living on a shoe string/What's a poor girl got to do just to have some fun?
7. I’m waitin’ on the sun to set 'cause yesterday aint over yet/I started smoking cigarettes there’s nothing else to do I guess
8. When you feel all alone/And the world has turned its back on you/Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
9. Who made up all the rules?/We follow them like fools./Believe them to be true;/Don't care to think them through
10. Wandering the streets in a world underneath it all/But nothing seems to be/Nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have
11. Ha-Ha! Well now, we call this the act of mating/But there are several other very important differences Between human beings
and animals that you should know about
12. You were my sun/You were my earth/But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
13. It's not the pale moon that excites me/That thrills and delights me, Oh no
14. Another day is going by/I'm thinking about you all the time/But you're out there And I'm here waiting
15. I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard/Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars
16. Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret/Somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name
17. Oh here you are, there's nothing left to say/You're not supposed to be that way/Did they push you out? did they throw you away?
18. Me and all my friends/We're all misunderstood/They say we stand for nothing and There's no way we ever could
19. I just remembered that time at the market/snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cartAnd rode down aisle five
20.Thank you for this moment/I've gotta say how beautiful you are/Of all the hopes and dreams I could've prayed for/There you are
- Mood:
crazy
excited- Mood:
bouncy
yuviI will send a gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog in my journal requesting to join this PIF exchange. You will receive it within 365 days (actually probably a lot less than that). The only thing you have to do in return is "pay it forward" by making a similar agreement on your blog.
The "gift" you send doesn't have to be handmade. It can be fic, icons, whatever.
- Mood: calm
July 31, 1933 – July 31/August 1, 1988
And
Daniel Lee “Boone” Haas
February 2, 1965 – August 17, 1988
Two of the most important people in my life were my grandfather, Edward, and my cousin Dan, whom we called Boone. I lost them both within a few weeks time as you can see, at a time in my life when I needed them most. I was only 18. I needed my grandfather who had always been such a good man to me, and my greatest teacher. I also needed my Boone, who was my very best friend in the universe. I needed them both so much. I was pregnant, just out of a relationship that was forced to end due to my pregnancy. We didn’t want it to end, but he was underage and his mother, well, let’s just say I hope she knows what kind of pain she cause Marty, Tiffany and I after all this time. Some wounds just don’t really heal.
I was living with my mom, and getting married to an ex of mine that I was terrified of. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want to be alone. I had spoken to my grandfather and though he tried to talk me out of a marriage for those reasons, he understood my fears. I should have known better. This man had all but raised me. I trusted him, his crazy ways, and his odd quirks. I should have known better. He promised to call me the night before my wedding, scheduled for the first of August, 1988. He didn’t call. I knew something was wrong, but I never dreamed that it could be death. Very early the next morning... I called and got told that he had passed away in the night due to kidney failure. He had lived with Cirrhosis since I was a young child, and we were amazed that he lived so much longer than the doctors gave him time for. But it was time that I was glad to have. They said that his kidney failure was completely unrelated. He had been really sick that last year. He had had Pneumonia a lot, but that his kidney suddenly became inflamed and burst before they could get the test results from the lab. My mother left after my wedding to go to Idaho to be with her sister and brother and left me with my underage sister, no job and a house that was four months past due on rent. Did I mention my now husband went to Jail 17 hours after our wedding? I was not having a good month. A week after my mother is supposed to be home, I get a letter from her letting me know she went to California with the family to bury grandpa like he wanted. He was an avid boater, and wanted to be put into the pacific to give back to the ocean that had given him so much. She also, in a moment of genius, told me in two sentences, almost as an afterthought, that my cousin was dead: “Oh, by the way, Boone hung himself and they couldn’t save him. Bummer huh?” BUMMER???? That so doesn’t even BEGIN to cover what I was feeling at this moment in my life. I walked around in a haze for 6 weeks. Then started crying one day and couldn’t stop. It would be 13 hours before I was able to stop crying... and two days later, I almost lost my child. Luckily we were able to stop my labor... Tiffany is very stubborn. To this day..
August 1988 was not a good month for me.
How did I lose Boone you wonder? I lost him because of love. He was my world. One of those relatives you hope you aren’t related to so you can marry them? He had a girlfriend, who had a baby. He also had a drug problem, which he swore to do his best to over come when he became a daddy oh so young. All of his friends did drugs though, and a huge part of our family. It was so hard, and he was doing so well. So when he slipped and fell, he was honest and told his now ex girlfriend. Instead of understanding the situation, she screamed at him, threatened to take away the baby forever, and in his drug soaked (at the time) mind, he’d lost her forever. Deeming himself unworthy, he hung himself in his garage. He lived with his sister, and she came home to find him. Marie hasn’t been the same since. They told her a few minutes sooner and they could have saved him. She stopped on the way home to pick up something. She blames herself. And I blame myself for leaving, because something inside says if I had been there, he would still be here...
August 2003 was not a good month either. And I only say that because I had partly convinced myself that he wasn’t really gone. See, I didn’t know about it in time to go to a memorial service or anything. My family doesn’t talk about tragedies like this as a rule, and so I had somehow convinced my self that he wasn’t dead, just busy and unavailable. Until that day at grandma’s house.. I was looking through a photo album at grandma’s house and came across pictures of his headstone… later than day, I cried for all 50 some miles home... and for days after that, I couldn’t stop. I finally had to face the truth. He was gone, and never coming back.
I just wish, in both cases, I had had a chance to say goodbye, that I had gotten a chance to let them know how profoundly they affected my life. To tell them that they were loved more than they would ever know. And that I needed them. I miss them so much… more than any would ever believe.
Note: my grandfathers dates of passing are as such, cause though they say he passed away before midnight, they called it when they found him... just after. And that is what the attending nurse wrote down.
- Mood: sad
